Loss

It is with a very heavy heart that I tell you what’s been happening with me this past week.

Last Saturday morning I received a shocking phone call that my dad had suddenly passed away. He was extremely healthy, the kind of person who obsessed over what he put in his body and the fact is he suffered an aortic aneurysm while lifting weights at the gym. No one in my family would have suspected this could have happened, I mean he was only 53 and he was planning on doing so many things with us still.
It’s hard for me to try to convey to you the man my father was, he was so many wonderful things to me and my mom, my sister, my husband and my son. My parents live only 15 minutes away so I’m still coming to the realization that my dad won’t just show up on my doorstep, like he did so many times in the past, and visit with us or want to spend time with Israel. But the truth is that with him gone we have a gaping hole in our lives, one that no one else can fill.
The past week has been the hardest I’ve ever lived through. Seeing the pain in my family’s eyes and not having my dad’s comfort and love during a time when I’m in so much pain has made the simplest activities difficult at best.
My father was proud of me for many reasons but I know he was proud of my accomplishments, my goals and it’s thinking of that which propels me to continue my blog along with the ambitions we had when he was still with us. Truthfully though the grief comes and goes. Sometimes I can be productive while trying to get back to my normal routine, other times I feel like I could fall apart and never recover. I miss him with all of my heart and I don’t quite know how yet to live without him.

And while I promise my blog won’t turn into some rambling, emotional online diary for myself I will post some thoughts time to time. Grief and loss is a part of the human experience, everyone encounters it at some point and as terrible as it is I knew someday I would have to face this. If there is anything I’ve learned so far it’s that there is not just 1 way to grieve loss. I’ve experienced shock, lots of emotions, confusion, hopelessness, anger, frustration but also love and support. Knowing that there are those of you out there who might know what losing a parent feels like and then knowing that you made it, that you’re thriving still is something that encourages me tremendously. To know someone else has woken up in the morning already with tears in their eyes, realizing this wasn’t some horrible nightmare but that you still moved forward with your life makes me feel that I can do the same.

As difficult as this is to write I wanted to be open and honest with you, dear readers. This blog is so much a part of me, it is something I have made all by myself. I have tried to be as honest and true as I can be so when something as significant as losing one of my greatest supporters happens, I want you to know.
I appreciate your thoughts and prayers for my family, even though you don’t know them. Thank you for following, thank you for reading.